Sermons

Living Out the Divine Romance in Your Marriage

August 9, 2015 Speaker: Reid Strahan Series: How Then Shall We Live?

Passage: Ephesians 5:22–5:33

When the topic of marriage comes up, there are some who feel a great sense of failure, or shame and guilt. Perhaps you have been through a divorce or engaged in premarital sex, or committed adultery, or have practiced homosexuality. But when you come to Christ in genuine repentance for your sins and trust in him to save you, he washes all your past sins and failures away. So no matter what you were, you ARE now washed, forgiven and free from what you once WERE. You are clean and holy! You are saints.

There are some who are struggling right now in a broken or barely functioning marriage. You may not feel much hope. It may depressing to even think about marriage. But your ultimate hope never should be in your spouse or your marriage, but in God! You can truly say, if I have God near me, life is good. And God IS a healer of broken marriages. He may use some things in this message to make you an instrument of that healing.

There are some who are single and may be tempted to feel that this topic makes you a second class Christian. Not at all. The Apostle Paul was single and highly commended the single life. It is a way to be free from concern and to be more focused on the things of the Lord. It is a special calling, a gift and we honor that!

There are some young people here who are not married. Whether you are 10 or 16, you are already learning what it is to be a husband or a wife. The things you hear this morning can make a profound difference in your future.

The greatest truth in this section of scripture is that Christ and the church are in a deep, passionate, love relationship. Christ's love for the church, (his love for you), drove him to the cross. He loves us as his own self because we are part of him, his own body. He takes care of us and cherishes us. And we respond to this love by abandoning ourselves to him, by joyfully submitting to him as the lover of our soul. Now we are called to live out this great romance in our marriages. Husbands must live out the love that was so deep, so personal so passionate that it drove Christ to give himself for us. Wives must live out the glad and willing surrender and submission of the church to such love.

When the topic of marriage roles comes up, I know that some people respond, “I am tired of hearing that. I need something new! That doesn't seem to work for me”. But let me assure you, there is more understanding of what your relationship needs, more answers for your marriage in Ephesians 5 than there are in all the marriage books in the world. This counsel is FROM GOD, the God who formed you in your mothers womb, the God who made you male or female, the God who ordained the relationship of marriage. He knows how this is to work. Where there are marriage problems, the violations of this passage are almost always the glaring problem. And where couples live this out there is almost always peace and happiness.

John Piper said, “God's plan for marriage is beautiful and deeply fulfilling. It is not oppressive and fearful. It is freeing because it is God's design”. Every command of God is for your benefit and well being. If you are married, how your marriage IS going, or ISN'T going, is one of the most important things in your life. This chapter is written so that it may go well with you.

Some say this teaches domination and slavery. Not at all! It teaches “sacrificial love and respectful submission”. This morning, I want to look at what this says to wives and husbands, then how this works in marriage, in a very practical way.

Two weeks ago we saw that submission is a quality that is to be prized and practiced, venerated and loved by all believers. All of us are to take the lower place, to voluntarily put ourselves under each other. It is a product of being filled with the Spirit. I believe if the Bible said husbands submit to your own wives, if that was the emphasis, then husbands should enthusiastically embrace that role.

But in verse 22 God, speaking through Paul, applies this truth to wives in relationship to their husbands. “Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord”. The context is, “Be filled with the Spirit, singing to the Lord, always giving thanks for all things to God, submitting to one another our of reverence for Christ, wives to your own husbands....” This attitude flows out of being filled with the Spirit. A Spirit filled woman submits to her husband.

And this is NOT said with the thought that this is some bitter pill to swallow. Submitting is done with singing to the Lord, with giving thanks in all things. It is not given as an unbearable cross, or a terrible assignment. It is the pathway of joy. It is part of living in the righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

To submit means to place yourself under your husband with respect. It is a willingness to yield to your husband. It means that you adapt and adjust to the man who is your husband. Paul used the word “obey” when he addresses children and slaves, he doesn't say that to wives. It is the submission of a willing partner.

Wives, you are to do this “as to the Lord”. This means that you submit to your husband as an act of submission to the Lord. You do it FOR the Lord. If you focus on whether or not your husband deserves to be submitted to or not, you will stop respecting and adapting when you think he no longer deserves it. (And there WILL be those times!)

Vs 23 “For the husband is the head of the wife”. In God's design for marriage the husband is the leader, the authority figure in the marriage relationship. He gives direction to the family, and is ultimately responsible for the well being of his wife and family. This verse simply says wives should submit to their husbands because the husband is the God-appointed head. He goes on to say, “The husband is the head of the wife AS Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is Savior”. As you look upon Christ as the head of the church, then look upon your husband as your head.

Vs 24, “As the church is subject to Christ so also the wives ought to be subject to their husbands “in everything”. Submission is an inner quality, that applies to everything within the marriage relationship. Even when you disagree strongly, you show this heart attitude of submission in the way you express that. Peter says, “Be subject to your husband so that if any of them disobey the word, they may be won over without words, “by your behavior, as they see your respectful and pure conduct”. You influence your husband, powerfully, by your respectful behavior!

That doesn't mean you go along with a plan to lie on your taxes. You should not cover up abuse, or adultery, or a pornography habit. I don't think wives should stay home from church because their husband doesn't go. But even in situations where you must obey God rather than your husband, you do that with an attitude of submission.

Wives, these are strong statements. Have you every truly taken them to heart? What is commanded here is quite the opposite of what we often see, even in Christian marriages. Often the wife runs the show and imposes her will on virtually everything in the home. Some wives shoot down a suggestion from their husband before it barely escaped his lips. Some husbands have learned to shut up and withdraw in order to have any peace in the home at all. There is peace, but peace purchased at the price of disobedience to God's plan for marriage.

Submission does not mean a woman cannot make important decisions, have a career, or own a business, AS LONG AS it is done in a way that does not violate God's pattern for marriage and home. The godly woman of proverbs 31 is quite a capable gal! It does not mean you cannot express your personality, your spiritual gifts or your opinion. BUT you do all of that in a way that is characterized by a submissive spirit to your husband.

*If your husband says, let's buy the orange car, you don't say, “huh uh! I'm not doing that!” You may try to influence the decision in other ways but not by attitudes or words that communicate defiance, or resistance.

*Anything that belittles your husband is contrary to the message of the Holy Spirit to you, in these verses. A wife may say something like, “If only you made more money I could go get my nails done like other women”, not realizing how deadly those words are. Here are 9 things, wives, you should never say to your husband: 1. I don't respect you. 2. Why are you doing that? 3. Can't you do anything right? 4. I told you so. 5. We need to talk. 6. Forget it, I'll do it myself. 7. You need to calm down. 8. Why can't you be like...? 9. I should have never married you in the first place. (What do they all have in common? All in some way show disrespect.)

To submit to your husband as head of the wife means you give him room to be the head. Most husbands are scared to take initiative or to lead. They will pull away from it even more if those attempts are met with criticism. If he says, I think it would be good if we read this book as a family. You can say, sounds great, I will be glad to take a turn reading. Or you can say, That won't work at all. The kids are way too young for that. One response supports, one shoots down.

Wives being subject does not rule out much mutual submission. For example, on the subject of sex within marriage Paul said, “The husband should give his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time...” You BOTH seek for the sexual pleasure and fulfillment of the other, BOTH voluntarily giving the other authority over your body.

I think much interaction in a good marriage is like this. You work things out together, you defer to each other, give the other their rights, instead of demanding your own. It is not a matter of pulling rank, demanding submission. In fact in most areas of life Cindy and I discuss things, talk out things, come to an agreement.

For husbands, being head of the wife does not mean to keep women in their place, to be condescending, and controlling. I knew a husband who did not like his in-laws and for years would not let his wife go see her family. That is NOT the kind of suffocating authority this is talking about. J Piper: “There is nothing in this passage to suggest that a husband can plop down in front of the TV every night and order his wife around.”

In Alexander Strauch's excellent book, Equal yet Different, he quotes a writer who says, “Headship does not imply that the man's will ought necessarily to prevail. Paul does not talk about he husband having his way, but of his love and sacrifice”. IE Headship is not a basis for husbands to say, “we are going to always do what I want to do”. As head of the home many times you will submit to your wives wishes, out of this love.

Two mistakes husbands make with headship... One is to domineer, to monopolize, to be over-bearing, always knowing what should be done without discussion. You come home and tell you wife you quit your job and we're moving to Montana, in two weeks. You wife feels left out, she aches to be included. The other mistake is to be passive, and uninterested. Your wife aches for you to be more involved, to take initiative.

If your wife does not show a submissive heart to you, don't tell her over and over to submit! I don't see here that it is your responsibility to see to it that your wife submits. That does not mean you could never have a discussion about that. But the summary of this whole passage is the husband must see to it that he loves his wife as he loves himself. And THE WIFE must see to it that she respects her husband. Go to the Lord, and seek his help. Continue to do what God asks you to do. Pray for your wife. Hold her up, love her when she is not responding to you. Don't give in to the natural response of anger and hurt pride.

Vs 25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her....”. Christ DOES love his people! He does love his church. He does love you, men! As you are loved, love your wife. What does it mean to love your wife as Christ loved us and and gave himself for us? Does it mean to tell her you love her? Of course! God tells us he loves us. Does it mean to be tender, kind, patient and forgiving? Yes! It means you are not harsh! Colossians 3:19 “Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them”.

But this love is more than being a nice guy! It says love AS Jesus gave himself up for us. Love undergoes suffering for the one you love. Benjamin Warfield married his wife Annie when he was 25 years old. On their honeymoon in Europe, his new bride was struck by lightning and permanently paralyzed. Benjamin cared for her for 39 years, till her death. He said that he seldom left home for more than 2 hours at a time, during all those years of marriage.

There is a toughness in this love. Not being tough on your wife, but a toughness you must endure for the sake of your wife. Christ went out and accomplished something for you at great cost to himself. It is called Jesus' work on the cross. He went through something for your benefit. Likewise husbands, there is a task to be carried out at great cost to you. There is a work to be done! Love means you go to work on her behalf.

Husbands, one application of this sacrificial love, is to provide for your wife. I do not think wives primarily should carry the burden of the family income or solving financial problems. She needs to be your partner in that. But I think as the head of the home you say, “Dear, I am on it! I will carry that. I will take care of our financial needs. Out of love for you I will do whatever it takes”. That does not mean that a wife cannot work or bring in money. But as the husband you carry that cross. You take charge of that. She knows you are on it, and feels loved and secure in that.

Elizabeth Elliot in the Mark of a Man wrote that part of a man's suffering is “job-hunting, taxes, promotion, competition and family leadership, not to mention the daily realities of commuting (to and from work), maintaining a house, yard and car in order; being a faithful church member, and paying the bills....” She goes on to say, “A leader is a man who does not groan under burdens, but takes them on as a matter of course, allows them, tolerates them, and with a dash of humor. He knows how to keep his mouth shut about his difficulties and how to live one day at a time, doing quietly what needs doing at the moment. People will follow that sort of man”. Wives will too!

Another part of this sacrificial love is taking spiritual leadership in the home. Take the initiative to pray at meals and other times. Share something from the Bible. Take the initiative to get the family to church. Initiate discussion about the Bible teaching. When we did surveys at marriage conferences, every year on the wives surveys, the number one things wives wanted was for their husband to be spiritual leaders in the home.

Vs 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church..” Guys, Christ loves you as part of himself - because you are members of his body! Love your wife in that same way.

Your own body is very dear to you. You value it. You notice when you are tired. You see that you get food when you are hungry. You take care of that sore ankle or knee. Do the same exact thing with your wife! Be aware of her condition, and her needs and feelings and love her by doing all you can to nourish, to feed, to care for her. She needs to talk and communicate so you give her time, to sit down and engage in conversation. You don't remain aloof or absorbed in your own video games, or TV or work or whatever. You meet that need for companionship, partnership, for oneness.

Paul said, love her and you love yourself. Naturally you love yourself, IE you do what you think will make you most happy at the moment. Paul is saying, Husbands, do what will bring your wife the most joy and you will have the most joy. Devote yourself to the happiness and well-being of your wife and you will be happy. Treat her well and you treat yourself well. Elizabeth Elliott said, “Make her glad that she is a woman”. Compliment her. Treat her like a lady. Be courteous. Treat her to something you know she would enjoy.

Husbands, here are things you never say to your wife: 1.What's wrong now? 2. Would you just calm down and relax! 3. What were you thinking? 4. What did you do all day? 5. I just don't love you anymore. 6. Is it that time of the month? 7. Are you going to eat all that? 8. Get off my back. 9. You are just like you mom! All show your wife as some sort of problem to put up with rather that someone to sacrificially love.

Husbands, if you have a daughter, how do you want her to be treated someday by her husband? Today, go treat your wife that way! Wives, if you have a son, how do you want him to be treated someday by his wife? Today, go treat your husband that way!

Key is to focus on your OWN responsibility before God. Worry about YOUR obedience, not your spouse. It is almost impossible to pry the husband and wife away from a complete and total focus on how their partner has failed.

God calls you, as a husband or a wife, away from yourself, away from your selfishness, away from self-love, and into loving and adapting to another person.. Marriage is a call to die, to lose yourself and follow Christ as a wife who respects and submits to her husband, or as a husband who goes to the cross out of love for his wife.

And the amazing thing is you find life and joy and fulness by doing so. The man who lays himself down in order to nourish and cherish his wife ends up treating himself very well! And the wife who in a biblical and Spirit fulled way respectfully submits to her husband will find that she is has found herself. She has found her calling, She will find herself a real woman, in the fullest and highest sense.

More in How Then Shall We Live?

November 1, 2015

Love for the Lord Jesus Christ

October 11, 2015

Take Up The Helmet of Salvation

October 4, 2015

Take Up The Shield of Faith

Join us Sunday at 

9:30am