One of the big changes Jesus Christ will make in you is WHO you choose for friends.  And what kind of friend YOU become to others.

Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  John 15:12,13   

Jesus was speaking of his OWN love for his disciples because in the next verse he said, YOU are my friends...and He was about to lay down his life for them, to go to the cross for them!  He died for them, and for us, to remove our sins from us and to bring us back to God.  This is the heart of the gospel!  But ALSO by this supreme act of love Jesus showed us how to be friends!  

Friendship is essentially loving someone and laying down your life for them. Jesus said, “Love as I have loved you!”  Alissa shared with me that another woman wanted to be her friend. She did not come up to her and ask “will you please be my friend?”  This woman just determined in her heart that she would start loving Alissa and serving her in every way she could, and they became very close friends!  

Friendships do not develop by complaining about not having any friends, or by accusing other people of not loving you or being there for you.  Friendships develop (and are demonstrated), by loving someone and laying down your life for them, as Jesus did for us. 

Now, we are all to demonstrate sacrificial love in all our interactions with ALL people, especially fellow believers!  But we are not infinite or omnipresent (like God)! We are only capable of deeper relationships with a limited circle of people.  We call them friends.  They can be our spouse or brother or mother, or someone completely unlike us and unrelated to us.  What makes a friend is this special bond of loyal love to each other. And a willingness to lay it down for each other.  

One worldly substitute for godly friendship is cliches, or being exclusive with certain “buddies” or “girl friends” who are just like us.  In the world people often will associate only with cool people, smart people, beautiful people.  These friendships are based on worldly interests or even on common sins, like drinking, partying, sex or drugs.  

There has always has been the fellowship of the malcontents, and grumblers, friends in doing evil.  I’ve seen people who hardly knew each other in church rebel against God or take offense at the church and suddenly they are close friends. But it is a friendship based on mutual rebellion.  These kinds of friendship are fleshly, detrimental to you and to the church. 

I know a dear Christian woman who went through a painful, divorce and turned to a small circle of girl friends for comfort and counsel.  But these friends did much harm to her soul. They encouraged bitterness and revenge.  They did NOT turn her heart to God.  

Abraham Kuyper said, “He is your friend who pushes you nearer to God.”

So let’s be clear, we are talking about being friends IN the Lord. Or friends the Lord is pleased with.  1 Cor 6:14 “What fellowship has light with darkness? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? Of course we have relationships with non-Christians. We love them. We are friends with them on some level.  But Biblical friendship is a union of hearts, a sharing of who we are and what we are. 

And when God’s Spirit comes to live inside our bodies, we can only share deeply with others who have God’s Spirit.   Paul said, “We are the temple of the living God and what union can the temple of God have with idols?’  So 

Because we belong to the Lord there ARE people we just cannot be friends with.  James said You can’t be friends with God and friends with the world.  James 4:4 “whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”   James is talking about friendship with the world’s values.  But   often the way people cozy up to the world’s values is by cozying up to friends who love the world.  So we have to decide!  Are we going to be friends with God, and his people? Or with the world.  James said you cannot have it both ways.  

Christian friends have a common purpose in life! We want to serve and honor Christ together!  It’s NOT just about us and how close WE are. David said, “O come magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!” We are fellow servants, fellow soldiers, fellow workers.  Paul called Philemon our dear friend and fellow worker—Philemon 1:1 Paul’s friends were people devoted to Jesus Christ and the work of the Lord.  (love is not two people gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction) True of friends too!

So with that let’s dive into the book of Proverbs and look at  God’s wisdom on friendship.   

*First: We are warned against thinking we don’t need friends. 

Proverbs 18:1 “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”  Some people say, “I don’t need people. I’m just fine. I’m very independent.” And they think that’s a strength.  It’s not. It’s just selfishness (he seeks his own desire) and it goes against ALL wisdom.

God says,  “Two are better than one.” If one falls the other can pick him up.  One person may be overpowered by an enemy but two together can defend themselves.” We all have different capacities for relationships and different needs for solitude.  But to withdraw from deep relationships, because I identify myself as “a loner” is not only pushing back against people, it is really pushing back against God’s wisdom.   

Isolating ourselves also deprives us of the blessing God wants to give us through friendship. 27:9 ESV “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Communication with a friend is sweet to the soul, like oil and perfume… 

There are costs and risks and sometimes pain in relationships but the rewards are also great. Take the risks, pay the price. Humbly admit you need people, you need friends.  

*Second God warns us against gravitating to the wrong kind of friends.  “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 13:20 Bad friends WILL harm you!  Wisdom in Proverbs is doing things God’s way with God’s Favor.  Going against God’s wisdom results in calamity, disaster, ruin!  One of the surest ways to a dark and tragic future is to hang out with ungodly companions! 

12:26 “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”  NIV  Proverbs 22:24,25 Gives a specific example of how this works: “Do not make friends with an angry man, and do not associate with a hot-tempered man, or you may learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” We learn behavior from who we are with!!  That is true about an angry person, an immoral person, a person who loves the world, a person who is rebellious, bitter… You will learn the ways of whoever you hang out with! 

*The positive side of Proverbs 13:20verse is: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise.”  How do you know is wise?  First: Do they fear the Lord? (The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom!) And does their life show the fruit of God’s wisdom. Proverbs 3:18 “Wisdom is a life-giving tree, the source of happiness for all who hold on to her.”   Just like a tree makes fruit, wisdom gives life to those who use it.  And you can SEE that fruit in someone’s life!  Go walk with those kind of people!  

We don’t choose friends because they are cool or have the same hobbies or follow the same team.  Of course we can talk about sports and hobbies and work but we are mainly looking for people who are wise, who follow Gods ways and are living under God’s favor! 

Proverbs 17:17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” A true friend will make you a better person, a better Christian.  You grow in zeal for God by being around other people who are zealous for God.  Being sharpened may not always be comfortable.  These friends will challenge you, correct you, exhort you, make you better.  Are you committed to being with people who will help you grow more, love God more and love people more!  

So far we’ve been talking about what kind of friends you should choose. I going to move on now to what kind of friend YOU ARE TO BE.  

*You are to be a friend who faithfully loves.  17:17 ESV “A friend loves at all times”. I know you want a friend who loves you faithfully through everything, and that is the kind of friend you are to be.  Proverbs 19:22 “What is desired in a man is steadfast love”.  THAT is what your friends desire from you.

We like to be around people who we feel safe around, people we can count on to be loyal, kind-hearted, respectful.  Not super nice one moment and then harsh the next.  We don’t want to feel like we are walking on eggshells in a relationship.  We want a steady kind of love!  So go be that kind of friend!

27:10 says “Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend.”  Stay with your friend for the long haul.  Even be faithful to long term family friends.  Biblical friendship goes from generation to generation!

The second half of 17:17 says,  “a brother is born for adversity.”  A true brother, will be there in times of trouble.  If you are there for someone when everything goes wrong, when the wheels come off, if you are there for someone in the time of deepest problem or pain, then you are a true friend.  Jesus considered the disciples his friends.  And I think one of the reasons he did was because he said, “You are the ones who have stood by Me in My trials.”  That what makes a friend.  

Paul said Love never fails. It endures all things.  John said this about Jesus, “Having loved his own who were in the world he loved them to the end.”  So be a person who loves people to the end. 

*Next from Proverbs: A faithful friend will not pretend nothing is wrong when their friend is walking in sin.  27:5,6 BSB Better an open rebuke than love that is concealed. The wounds of a friend are faithful but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” 

No one wants a friend breathing down their neck at every slip up.  We don’t want a friend pointing out our faults all the time.  But it is not love to let a friend walk over a cliff.  Amy Grant has been in the news for hosting a gay wedding.  She said justified it saying “Gay, straight, it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter how we behave.  It doesn’t matter how we’re wired God simply wants us to love him and each other.”   Well yes.  But love that condones sins is like the kisses of an enemy.  It sounds loving.  It may feel loving but it’s the love of an enemy.  A true friend will stand up for God’s truth. 

*Next miscellaneous guidelines for friendships.

-Look for faithful friends not just to have many friends.  Proverbs 18:24 ESV “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”  Better to have one person who will live and die as your friend, than to have many acquaintances.  

-If you keep bringing up a persons faults and offenses it will destroy that friendship.  Proverbs 17:9 ESV Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” 

-Give your friend space for their other responsibilities and friendships.  I think this is what Proverbs 25:17 is about. “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.”  You may have had some experience with someone who wants to be a friend but they want to be with you all the time.  And it just kind of smothers the joy of friendship.  Mark was my roommate in college, and we were good friends but after I got married I just couldn’t hang out with him as much as I used to.  He really had a hard time understanding that.  It was kind of all or nothing for him.  Friendships don’t do well with that kind of burden on them.   

So go be with your friends, but have a sensitivity to other things they have going on in life. 

-Learn to listen as well as to talk. Proverbs 20:5  “The thoughts of a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”   If you want a relationship to go deeper, learn to draw out the other person.  Ask questions, listen.  Don’t ONLY reveal your own thoughts.  James said, “My brothers and sisters take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” This is just a good general rule of life. 

Ancient sayings, “Men have two ears but one tongue that they should hear more than they speak.”  And “the ears are always open to receive instruction; but the tongue is surrounded by a double row of teeth to hedge it in, and keep in within proper bounds.”  Talking is an area of self control.  Talking too much and seldom listening will hinder the development of  friendship.  A man of understanding will draw out what is going on in the heart of his friends.  

*We are talking about human friends this morning but I want to end by turning to our greatest friend Jesus.  Quote: “Jesus is your truest friend and at times may be your only friend.”  That may sound a little extreme to some. But it is Biblical.   There is a lot of disloyalty in this world. There is a lot of broken relationships in this world. People desert, betray, abandon you.  It does happen.  Not saying we should have a martyr complex, or suspect everybody of being disloyal.  But we need to know that Jesus is our true friend. 

There may be times when even your closest friend, just drops out of the picture.   Even when we feel all our friends have abandoned us, we still have Jesus.  Paul experienced this when he stood trial in Rome for his preaching of the gospel. He said, “At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me.”   The Lord Jesus was such a real friend to Paul that he described him as standing right there beside him.  And no matter what happens in any of your relationships Jesus will always stand by you too.

So in a time where it seems you have no friends at all, There IS a friend who stays closer to you than a brother.  And he will never, ever leave you or forsake you.